By Kinkradio 162
09:00
09:00
Bucky knows guilt, so if there's one person who can talk about it with you, it would be him.
Contains: Talking about Guilt, Mentions of Gaslighting, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Bucky's Past, Reassurance, Comfort
I was feeling some guilt in the past week or so, and I think that it's not something we talk about often, especially those of us who have lived through trauma or have anxiety, so I thought that Bucky would be a good vehicle to talk about it, considering his past. Keep an eye out on those content warnings. It's nothing super explicit, but it could be potentially triggering. Hope everyone enjoys!
~Audio Transcript Below~
Bucky: Guilt has been one of the biggest things I've had to get over....
Because for the most part, I'm becoming aware of the things that I did. For such a long time.....even now still everything feels like one of those dreams where you're almost watching yourself from outside yourself? You can see yourself doing these horrible, evil things, and no matter how much you scream on the inside, nothing helps.
When they were happening, I didn't have much....regular conscience.....I suppose you could call it.....but now....now that it's hindsight....well....you know how the saying goes.....
I've been trying to reconcile with the idea that everything that happened....wasn't my fault.....Yes, I did those terrible things, it was physically me......but it wasn't mentally me.....
I guess what I'm trying to say is that......yes, you can feel guilty....that's a given.....but if you really take a look back at the situation that you're agonizing over with as clear and....well as objective eyes as you can....and ask yourself.....was it really your fault.....or are you taking on the guilt because you think it's what you need to do?
I know my situation is.....probably vastly different.....but the.....sentiment I guess is the same.
And if you don't think that you can look upon it with an objective mind.....someone who wasn't involved in the situation at all may be able to give some sort of insight....
You can talk to me if you want......God knows that I've talked your ear off about all my shit......seems only fair that I do the same for you.....
And--before you say anything, I'm not doing this to pity you or anything, or because I feel like I need to return the favor.....I'm offering because I genuinely care and want to help you......the thing....I said before.....wasn't helpful......sorry.....
So.....what's the thing you're nervous or....feeling guilty about?
*long pause*
Well.....If you really want my opinion....I don't think that you should feel as guilty as you probably should.....
You can feel guilt for what happened......the fact that it happened at all.....that's alright.....but I don't think you were as involved as you say that you were......the fact that you couldn't do anything to change it or to stop it in the moment---
Hey....but remember....you're thinking about it with the hindsight of it going to happen anyways.....the knowledge you have after the fact....isn't going to help you now that it's already over.......
So there really was you could do......
*pause*
Even if you're the one who takes the brunt of the aftermath, it doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault either. That's thing that I had to deal with too....
People are always trying to place blame on other people, for everything.....it's never fault, it's always fault.....because people don't want to take the consequences for their actions....
I'm a special circumstance, but you know what I mean.....
*pause*
I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, and just having a hard time....I don't know if I said that to you already.....and--before you say, "it's not your fault"....I know.....but I can be empathetic and sympathetic to your situation.....it's more a, "sorry you're feeling that way" instead of treating it like did something.
*pause*
*chuckles softly* I knew you were gonna say something like that because that was something Steve practically had to do everything short of punch outta me....
'Cause when everyone decides you're the one that's guilty.....and they tell you that over, and over and over again.....you start to believe it......because how could so many people be wrong instead of just me being wrong...."I probably thought wrong, or I'm misremembering..." it's another tactic that assholes use to shift the blame on someone else......
So.....in my opinion.....it wasn't your fault.....there as nothing you could've done differently in that scenario....you handled it with as much grace and tact as you could have.....and well.......I'm proud of you.....
*pause*
Of course I'm proud of you....not just with the fact that I actually think it could've gone a lot worse were it not for you.....but that you're willing to talk about it with me......that you recognize this guilt that you're feeling.....and you recognize that there's something off about it.....Not everyone is willing to speak and question and talk through their feelings. I know I wasn't for a.....well....for a really long time.....
Being able to recognize your feelings and put them into words is something that not everyone is good at.....being....vulnerable is not something that a lot of people are good at.....or hell....even to do......
But I think that being vulnerable.....and trying to be as in touch with our feelings.....and as open about our feelings as we can.....can help us parse through them....and get to the bottom of why we may be feeling the way that we are.....can give us a deeper understanding of the type of person we are.....and can give us an opportunity to be able to work through the bad things.....and celebrate the good things......
*pause*
Oh no....I didn't come up with all that myself.....a lot of it comes from counselling.....and also Steve....and you......the combination of you three are forces to be reckoned with *chuckles*
But that doesn't make what I said any less true......it took me a while to understand it.....to come to grips with what I was feeling.....and allowing myself to have those feelings in the first place. Hell....in the beginning.....I didn't even think that it was right of me to even guilty......
Enough about me though......I'm still proud of you.....and I'm glad and honored that you're willing to share with me......
And....if you're worried about....whether or not you're a good person.......I want you to remember.....that bad people don't care about being better......they don't care about the feelings of others.....they don't feel guilt.......
You're not a bad person.....I promise......as someone who......*sighs* thought he was irredeemably bad......you are a very...very good person......and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.....and appreciate having you in my life.......
You're going to be alright.......things are going to turn out for the better.......It's something we've got to believe in......because otherwise.....what's the point?
Sorry.....that might be a little morbid but.....I think there's some truth to it. If we don't keep fighting, keep trying....keep believing.....nothing is going to get better......
I believe in you.....just as much as I know that you believe in me.......We can do this......together......
