By Kinkradio 160
10:21
You're a little late to a rendezvous with Julian, and he seems.....way more agitated about it that he should be.....
Contains: Yelling, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, Confessions
Hooray for hurt Julian! I thought he would be a nice character to experiment with stress as well as a character who bottles their emotions up, for good reasons, and them kind of taking them out on the listener and then talking about it, so hopefully that comes across! But yes, be aware that there is a part where Julian raises his voice for those who are sensitive to that!
~Audio Transcript Below~
Julian: Where have you been? I thought we were going to meet here half an hour ago?
*pause*
Nadia, eh? *under his breath* always fucking her.....
Forget it.....I think that we should reconsider our meeting.....there are some things that I have to----
*pause*
Look....I'm a very busy man and---
*a little snarky* Well....I apologize if I seem a little frazzled and rude but it makes sense considering the circumstances......
Now if you please, let me pass.....
*pause*
*slightly frantic*
What's wrong? *chuckles wrly* What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong!
Look, you've been ordered by Nadia to find me and bring me in so that I can be killed for what I've "allegedly" done. You're being backed by what is essentially royalty, and here I am, wondering every second if this is all some sort of elaborate ruse and at any moment guards are going to descend down upon me and I'll be taken and I'll be killed. And now, when we were supposed to have our meeting, you tell me you're late because of Nadia, so forgive me that I might be a little angry and stressed around you!
*pause*
.......Oh, oh gods, I'm.......f-fuck. I'm so sorry I---
*startled noise*
I----with----the......right.....Oh gods....I didn't......
*pause*
I......no I.....I didn't mean to----
*pause*
No....no you're right......that was......that was....incredibly cruel of me......
I....I didn't.....*sighs* There's....not really an excuse.....I...I'm sorry.....that I yelled.....I......
*pause*
Yes.....the.....the things I spoke about.....are true......there are times when.....when we're together.....that a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that this....this.........comfort I feel when we're......together it.....it's all a lie.....and it's all going to come crashing down around me......
But there.....is another voice that......that reminds me that not everyone in the world is out to get me.....and that voice......is harder to listen to sometimes, when it feels like everything I do is actively being watched, being tested.....and at a moments notice I could be.....well........
I know my apology isn't much, and.....I don't expect you to forgive me, I---
*pause*
What?
N-No....I.....I didn't----mean to.....well that I knew how you'd react....I.......*sighs weakly* gods I'm just.......
I'm just a mess, aren't I?
I apologize.....again......
*long pause*
After everything that's happened, it's.....very hard for me to trust others........and.....you came along.....and........I....... for you and......
*softly*
I'm terrified that something is going to happen, and it'll be like someone shouting, "Haha! You thought you could have some shred of happiness in your life after what you did! You're a fool!" and then taking it all away.......
It just.....feels like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop......
*sighs*
Gods I can't imagine how stressful this is for you either.......having to work for Nadia.....having to decide whether or not been telling the truth to you this entire time.....whether or not worth risking yourself over.....it.....*sighs* gods I'm such an idiot......
*pause*
*chuckles softly* thank you for the confirmation.......
*sighs* Me yelling at you for something you really didn't have a choice in doesn't look very good on my part....to say the least.......I......can only really say that I apologize again......I don't have.....much to offer better than that......
*pause*
You're.....glad that I told you? You can't possibly----
The yelling part? T-that's all you had......problems with?
.....and the blaming you part.....right....yes......I apolo---
*clears throat* I.....well....that....might be difficult to maintain....the....not apologizing.....but I will try my best......
So.....you don't mind that I......said how I've been feeling?
*pause*
That is.....*exhales* Not what I expected......
*pause*
Well.....for so long.....anything I had to tell anyone that wasn't positive was......used against me.....so I got used to just.....bottling it up inside and dealing with it myself.....or......not dealing with it.....as you saw earlier......
I got so.....angry because.......
I told you before how much I care......and.....you've returned the sentiment.......but like I said there's this voice that screams to me that this is all too good to be true.....that I'm not deserving of someone.....like you.....and.....*sighs*
*pause*
I know....it's....not particularly healthy to keep all those feelings inside.....but you must understand.....you......have been really the only person as of late in my life that even cared to hear my side of things, who ever really cared about and....not about my work....not about what happened.......
I'm to make things right.....you must understand.....but it's......not as easy as it might sound.....there are.....so many things in the works around here that not even know what they all are and what they stand for.......
I honestly can't imagine what.....it must be like for you.....with....your memories and-----
*sighs*
......there's.....the voice is screaming now that I've ruined everything......and that the only positive thing in my life now is going to leave due to my own misgivings and my own faults......
*pause*
You know as well as I do that thinking positively is much, harder than it seems......easier said than done........
*pause*
'It doesn't mean that we shouldn't still fight for it.....'
*sighs* gods....you're right.....as always I.......
Thank you for.....for always helping me and.......for putting up with me and.....for.....caring about me......
I promise that......I will do my best to never lash out at you again.......I don't know if I can promise to do it again.....because I'm not sure that that will be true.....but what I can promise it to try with all my might to not do so because.....you mean quite a lot to me.....and I don't know what I would do if I truly hurt you.......and I don't want to lie to you either.....in this moment.....that's how I truly feel.......
*chuckles ruefully* I suppose....that is all we can ask for now......
And......thank you......for being here.......
*pause*
Well.....if you're still of a mind......I know that a certain baker has a special on bread today........
